A Truly Heartwarming Earth Video

Zoltrog finds this Earth video warming to all 8 of his large violently pumping hearts.  Now when Zoltrog conquers her planet, she will hear the destruction and hear the screams of her fellow humans as they run loudly and pointlessly for their lives!  Mwahahahaha!

End communication.

Zoltrog Shops With Zoltrog's Earth Friend

Greetings. 

This is an Earth photo of Zoltrog and his Earth friend Tina.  WE ARE MERELY EARTH FRIENDS!  Anyway, Zoltrog is asking Tina if she acquired the roll of human skin Zoltrog had previously inquired about.  Tina informed Zoltrog that she had not.

Earth friend Tina has been jettisoned into Glogars Abyss of Forever Pain where she will ponder her so-called friendship with Zoltrog for all eternity, mwahahaha!

End communication.

Future Earth Days of Your Future Earth Weeks

As his army amasses many galaxies away, constructing weapons of unspeakable power and doom, Zoltrog thinks the Earth days of the week would be better named as the following...

• Monday will become Moanday, as in the shattered moans of subjugated puny humans!
• Tuesday will become Ruseday, whereby once a week Zoltrog will stage a televised news event depicting puny humans unrealistically usurping Zoltrog's throne and retaking their planet.  Zoltrog will then appear on your Earth television, inform puny humans of the ruse and their obvious stupidity, and then laugh maniacally, like so: MWAHAHAHA!
• Wednesday will become Wedday, the day when Zoltrog will claim a weekly Earth bride of his choosing.  A violent ejection of offspring will follow!
• Thursday will become Thirstday, as in the constant forever unquenchable thirst for freedom that puny humans everywhere will experience!
• Friday will become Fryday, the day when weekly Earth punishments will be carried out on lawbreaking puny humans: first dipped in a batter of other humans and then thrust into a vat of scorching Sun matter!
• Saturday will become Slaughterday.  Zoltrog need not explain further.
• Sunday will remain Sunday.  And those puny human criminals who have somehow survived Fryday will be fired into the Sun.

End communication.

Zoltrog Wishes For Earth City Chicago To Ignore Their Cubs And Instead Provide Zoltrog With $300 Million To Construct "Zoltrog's Dome Of Doom"

Today on Earth, Earth baseball team Chicago Cubs asked their city for $300 million dollars in Earth money in order to update their battle stadium Wrigley Field.

This concept of Earth cities providing money to build stadiums where sport can be viewed is intriguing to Zoltrog.  Zoltrog feels he wants in on this Earth action.

Therefore Zoltrog is asking for an American city to provide Zoltrog with the funds and location he requires to construct a dome which will contain unspeakable horrors.  Unspeakable horrors that Zoltrog believes Americans would pay a great deal to see and partake in.  For proof, you need look no further than the Earth television program American Idol.

All Zoltrog asks is for a charitable U.S. city to provide -- albeit against its own best interest -- Zoltrog with a great deal of Earth money so that Zoltrog can create a great deal of Earth entertainment as well as a proportional amount of Earth chaos.  All at modest Earth prices fit for a standard Earth family. 

Using Wrigley Field as a base, the Dome of Doom may look something like this...

...only much cooler, heaping with horror and cascading with destruction.

Zoltrog's "Dome of Doom" will make Earthlings that much more comfortable with the doom and destruction Zoltrog will bring them when he rules your planet.  It will be an Earth taste of Earth things to come, mwahaha!

End communication.

Your "Labor Day"

Zoltrog thoroughly enjoyed your "Labor Day." The vacation time allowed Zoltrog much time to plan your demise that would have otherwise been spent looking at Earth pornography.

But Zoltrog looks forward to the future when the Labor Day consists not of vacation and relaxation, but rather of horrifying and hellish labor, mwahaha!

End communication.

Zoltrog's Punchy Earth Cover Letter Capable Of Leveling Whole Planets

Engage your computer's peripheral
Earth rodent device to enlarge.

End communication.

Job Interview With Puny Human

When asked by puny human job interviewer about Zoltrog's weaknesses, Zoltrog could not vaporize him quick enough. Admittedly, a glaring weakness of Zoltrog's.

Mwahahaha!

End communication.

CPAC Made Zoltrog Feel Right At Home

Zoltrog would like to thank everyone involved with the Conservative Political Action Conference for inviting Zoltrog to speak, and making Zoltrog feel welcome to spread Zoltrog's message of doom and destruction.

Zoltrog wasn't sure it was possible to follow skin-wearer Dick Cheney -- that human caused even Zoltrog to blush! -- but Zoltrog believes his mission to destroy was made clear. Zoltrog was confused however to receive a standing ovation when his speech concluded. Is it customary for humans to applaud death, destruction, or their own impending doom? Sounds like Zoltrog's type of place in which to gather and perhaps take a mate.

Once again, Zoltrog thanks CPAC organizers for their gracious hosting. Zoltrog will give them perhaps a five minute extra head start when Zoltrog's armies swarm Earth like locusts. Zoltrog really enjoyed himself!

End communication.

Zoltrog Does Not Understand Your "Day Of Valentine's"

Zoltrog will admit that Zoltrog does not have a complete understanding of all stupid puny Earth things. For example, your stupid puny Earth lives. Why bother having them when they will inevitably belong to Zoltrog? Highly nonsensical.

Zoltrog does not understand the concept of "Valentine's Day." Based on initial observations and calculations, Zoltrog has deduced that Valentine's Day is a celebration of cocoa bean derivatives, the human ventricle-filled heart, and a second being for copulation.

Zoltrog indeed had an Earth female chosen for excessive copulation, but when it came time for Zoltrog to Earth wine and Earth dine said female, she did not react as Earth television commercials and Earth print ads predicted.

Zoltrog is unsure where Zoltrog went wrong. Keep in mind puny humans, Zoltrog, though admitting fault in the understanding of your stupid puny Earth customs, admits no faults, and is in fact without them.

However, something became amiss as Zoltrog presented the Earth female with the following items:

1. Fancy grouping of red colored Earth flowers.


2. Cocoa bean derivatives presented in container shaped like romantic life-sustaining Earth organ.


3. Romantic life-sustaining Earth organ.


End communication.

Zoltrog Apologizes For Becoming So Inactive

However, just because Zoltrog cannot see his feet as they crush your frail human windpipe does not mean he isn't enjoying the crunch sound in his 7 ears. Yes, you read correctly. Seven ears. Each with the power to destroy whole suns!

That's more barrnok than a flatchmonger on the holy Day of Severed Genitals! Mwahahaha!

So, earthlings, as Zoltrog begins to watch his weight, be sure that you are watching and -- "weighting," mwahahaha! -- for your impending doom! Just as Zoltrog's genitals finally creep over the horizon of his shrinking engorged belly, so too shall the day of your destruction creep ever closer over the horizon of your shrinking future, mwahahaha!

End communication.