CPAC Made Zoltrog Feel Right At Home

Zoltrog would like to thank everyone involved with the Conservative Political Action Conference for inviting Zoltrog to speak, and making Zoltrog feel welcome to spread Zoltrog's message of doom and destruction.

Zoltrog wasn't sure it was possible to follow skin-wearer Dick Cheney -- that human caused even Zoltrog to blush! -- but Zoltrog believes his mission to destroy was made clear. Zoltrog was confused however to receive a standing ovation when his speech concluded. Is it customary for humans to applaud death, destruction, or their own impending doom? Sounds like Zoltrog's type of place in which to gather and perhaps take a mate.

Once again, Zoltrog thanks CPAC organizers for their gracious hosting. Zoltrog will give them perhaps a five minute extra head start when Zoltrog's armies swarm Earth like locusts. Zoltrog really enjoyed himself!

End communication.

Zoltrog Does Not Understand Your "Day Of Valentine's"

Zoltrog will admit that Zoltrog does not have a complete understanding of all stupid puny Earth things. For example, your stupid puny Earth lives. Why bother having them when they will inevitably belong to Zoltrog? Highly nonsensical.

Zoltrog does not understand the concept of "Valentine's Day." Based on initial observations and calculations, Zoltrog has deduced that Valentine's Day is a celebration of cocoa bean derivatives, the human ventricle-filled heart, and a second being for copulation.

Zoltrog indeed had an Earth female chosen for excessive copulation, but when it came time for Zoltrog to Earth wine and Earth dine said female, she did not react as Earth television commercials and Earth print ads predicted.

Zoltrog is unsure where Zoltrog went wrong. Keep in mind puny humans, Zoltrog, though admitting fault in the understanding of your stupid puny Earth customs, admits no faults, and is in fact without them.

However, something became amiss as Zoltrog presented the Earth female with the following items:

1. Fancy grouping of red colored Earth flowers.


2. Cocoa bean derivatives presented in container shaped like romantic life-sustaining Earth organ.


3. Romantic life-sustaining Earth organ.


End communication.

Zoltrog Apologizes For Becoming So Inactive

However, just because Zoltrog cannot see his feet as they crush your frail human windpipe does not mean he isn't enjoying the crunch sound in his 7 ears. Yes, you read correctly. Seven ears. Each with the power to destroy whole suns!

That's more barrnok than a flatchmonger on the holy Day of Severed Genitals! Mwahahaha!

So, earthlings, as Zoltrog begins to watch his weight, be sure that you are watching and -- "weighting," mwahahaha! -- for your impending doom! Just as Zoltrog's genitals finally creep over the horizon of his shrinking engorged belly, so too shall the day of your destruction creep ever closer over the horizon of your shrinking future, mwahahaha!

End communication.

Let Us Zoltrog In The New Year

Zoltrog has many resolutions for the Earth year 2010. Most of these resolutions end in your death and Earth's ultimate destruction, but since Zoltrog has made that mission quite clear, Zoltrog will discuss the resolutions which do not concern you dying painfully. Nor the ones where you die pleasurably.

1. Locate Mrs. Field, take her out-of-this-world cookies, then take her as one of my many wives.

2. Lose these few extra pounds gained over the holiday season stuffing all available pockets with human appendages.

3. Take neither me-time nor we-time and instead engage in spacetime.

4. Resurrect Earth legend Elvis then send 8 inch by 10 inch photo of Elvis to Elvis along with self-addressed stamped envelope in hopes of receiving photo back with Elvis Earth autograph.

5. Write the next great American novel about an alien who visits Earth and is welcomed as a superior life form with highly advanced sexual technologies which he uses to cure Earth women of their dissatisfaction with laughable single penised beings. Largely non-fiction.

Oh, and expect the New Year's festivities to change in the future. Certain things will not be the same.

First, New Year's eye glasses made to feature numbers within the design will no long provide enjoyment, only lasers into the faces of other humans you look at to wish a happy new year. It will only be a happy new year if they planned on be decapitated above the collar bone, mwahaha!

Second, your sound-emitting Earth party favors will no longer emit sound or amusement, but rather a deadly, slow-working toxin which will make slaves of all of you. But, I assure you, amusement will emit from me heartily!

And third, your New Year's Eve dropping ornament will be updated!


You will celebrate only fear as Zoltrog's likeness propels toward you on the ground in a mere 10 Earth seconds!

End communication.

Zoltrog Gives Humans A Glimpse Into Their Horrific Future... And Past!

Humans wonder what it will be like when Zoltrog is finally in control. Well, Zoltrog will tell you!

Using Earth Photoshop, Zoltrog will give the readers of this journalary device a glimpse into their horrific future, previously only thought possible in Earth nightmares, now called Zolt-mares!

Behold, your civilization crumbling around you! All you held dear, all you loved, gone! And now, only Zoltrog, mwahahahaha!


History will be rewritten to show it was Zoltrog who heroically freed slaves and that it was Zoltrog who was called "Honest Zoltrog," all before making slaves of humanity through lies and deceit!


Zoltrog will be known as the father of your country! Zoltrog will have worn wooden teeth and had an affinity for cherry trees! Meanwhile, in the present, your crops will be devastated as my alien machines lay waste to your countryside! Their metal teeth will shred and tear not only your food supply, but also your faith in humanity and the very fabric of your being!



And then Zoltrog will conquer what Earth loves most: Earth television! Zoltrog will be the sixth roommate on Friends! It is Zoltrog who will be an aspiring actor, macho and Italian! Zoltrog will have his way with Earth woman, and said activity will be of a humorous nature to you all! You will laugh heartily, or you will die equally heartily!

Yes, Earthlings, utilize what time you have left to enjoy your history as you know it, while it is still there! Soon, Zoltrog will be conqueror and ultimate ruler of your past, present, and future! Mwahahaha!

End communication.

Zoltrog Finally Does Something About Alien-Hating Human Lou Dobbs

As they pass Zoltrog on the street, humans have inquired, "Zoltrog -- Slayer of Kregblot, Keeper of the chalice of Narnia, Pleaser of so many females of so many countless species and planets -- were you responsible for Human Lou Dobbs' departure from CNN?"

The answer is undoubtedly yes, Earthlings. Human Dobbs made a living damning the existence of aliens like myself (here illegally according to your primitive system of laws). He created suspicion as to the birth place of Human Leader Barack Obama, insisting he was birthed in another country and not in the United States of America of Earth of Milky Way.

In fact, Leader Obama was not even born on your world at all! Yes, why do you think he displays such mass quantities of logic and reason, that he is in possession of such unearthly charisma?

Alas, Zoltrog is responsible for Human Dobbs departure because Zoltrog discovered him to be a human facsimile, a replication, a robot! Human Dobbs was a hollow-husked robot operated by none other than 3 imprisoned aliens! Here a photographic image of the one you call Dobbs...


And now, Earthlings... Dobbs DISASSEMBLED!


How dare you, Human Lou Dobbs, formerly of CNN (pronounced KNNNNNNNNN), now formerly of Humans! If anyone is going to secretly fool Earthlings for the sake of propaganda and eventually world domination, it is going to be Zoltrog!

End communication.

10 Ways Zoltrog Could Impregnate You

It has been a long time since Zoltrog last communicated with you. And perhaps many of you grew worrisome at the prospect of Zoltrog not impregnating you at some point in your life, a highlight for many of your species.



Zoltrog impregnates many beings. It is a testament to Zoltrog's supreme virility. But unlike the simple Earth penis, Zoltrog has many tools which will carry on Zoltrog's superior genes. The following is a list of biological avenues Zoltrog utilizes to get it on, galactically speaking, with Earth females.

10 Ways Zoltrog Could Impregnate You

1. A firm handshake.
2. A cool evening breeze.
3. The sweet sounds of his ear-shattering war drums, made from human ears.
4. Red.
5. Tinier chocolate versions of himself. Space chocolate.
6. His 1988 Silver Mercury Topaz GS.
7. Facebook status updates that include "gym," "homework," or "Zoltrog impregnating procedures commence!"
8. With pure Zoltrog muscle, because Zoltrog works out, that's no secret.
9. His signature sexual position, also known as "Zol-troggy style."
10. Reading a list of ways Zoltrog could impregnate you, mwahahaha!

Unfortunately for you, the gestation period for a Zoltrog prescribed offspring is a matter of weeks. You will see an increase in womb mass by sun up. Zoltrog takes no legal responsibility for any offspring conceived. Zoltrog does not need any human hybrid baby mama drama.

End communication.

Scenes Of Earth's Destruction In The Film 'Independence Day' Physically Arouse Zoltrog

Zoltrog does not watch much Earth TV, but Zoltrog recently tuned into the cinematic comedy Independence Day. Zoltrog laughed heartily at the scenes showcasing Earth's destruction. Zoltrog's 83 bellies all moved in conjunction with said laughter.

Walls of fire chasing human beings and the human race driven to the edge of extinction, mwahaha! Brilliant! Perhaps Zoltrog will reward the creators of Independence Day. Zoltrog will devour the human who allowed Earthlings to defeat the invading alien race in the end of the film, but the others involved will enjoy a quicker less painful death as a reward.

Here implanted within this journalary device is the Earth trailer of the Earth comedy Independence Day...


(Zoltrog's favorite parts begin at 1:05 and 1:11.)

End communication.

This Benihana Grill Chef's Weapon Skills May Be Better Suited For My Imperial Guard

Zoltrog dined out last night at an establishment known as "Benihana." Their cuisine of raw animal meats was satisfactory, but Zoltrog took greater interest in Chef Matsuo. His handling of knives impressed even an 8th degree Makti-Ta knife handler such as myself. He would indeed make a fine addition to my royal guard.



He will join or spend eternity slicing Troksonian eel on the fifth moon of Krabulack, mwahaha!

End communication.

Zoltrog Updates You On His Facebook Takeover

Within just days Zoltrog has amassed 44 Facebook fans! Just know that Zoltrog has a lifespan longer than a grockthaw who subsists only on the flesh of slitchfrakks! Yes, THAT long!

Current Earth population: 6,602,224,175
Zoltrog Facebook fans population: 44
Percentage of Earth near absolute destruction: 6.664420782107115e-7%

Mwahahaha, DOOMED!

End communication.