October 10, 2008

Vocalized Humor Capsules By Zoltrog

Always has it been the intention of Zoltrog to appear before a congregation of Earthlings and deliver as an orator writings of a comedic nature. When not consumed by obligations as Supreme Assistant Manager of AM/PM, one of your terrestrial grocery suppliers, Zoltrog labors many solar cycles to create the vocalized humor capsules required. The proceeding are a selection of those vocalized humor capsules.

1. How many trarlokks does it take to trokkclap a freeloo?

- Only as many as will fit in its Raptonian estadok!

2. I once went on a ritual breeding excursion with Tragshod the sixty-headed female from the Krogter system.
- Let's just say she still did not possess the correct number of heads needed to properly satisfy my frellclot!

3. Anyone here from the Urgassk galaxy?
- Then I will communicate at a pace slower than normal!

4. What's the deal with that Earthly program known as The Brady Bunch?
- I haven't seen such excessive breeding since my quest to Tonokk III during the Rithwoshian phase of its many moons!

5. What if Earthling Jack Nicholson and High Chancellor Thrawng of Gortuse had a child? I believe the offspring would resemble the mimicry which I shall now attempt.
- "You cannot handle the truth, and by the power of the Gortusian army, I challenge you to handle it before our fifth moon returns, or forever become a slave in the flertonian mines of Ambrod VI!"

6. I once witnessed the two beings from which I sprang engage in the sexual reproduction ritual of Krogter.
- I will never be at peace again while visiting the Krogter galaxy! Am I correct in that assumption, sentient beings?

7. What is the source of these dissimilarities between the male and female of the species?
- It seems that the female is one of audible annoyance to the male and the male is content only with viewing matches of competitive sport in a languorous state, which seems to be the source of some frustration to the female. That is factual information, is it not?

8. On the topic of beings in power, what is the ultimate motivation of Grand Emperor Ishrock?
- It seems he has no regard for the welfare of the common Ragtorian, but his voluminous lust for Ragtorian ale is matched by no creature!

9. The various races of the Earth are peculiar and differentiated in their skill levels, correct?
- The paler skinned mammals seem novice in regards to the topic of 'basket and ball' activities, while the darker skinned of the same species seem most dominate in such activities as well as feature a greater sexual organ than their paler mammalian counterparts!

10. Sentient beings are not consuming wisely these solar cycles, am I correct, air breathers?
- I once viewed a Kreblorian so encumbered by his own mass that officials were required to extricate him from the living quarters utilizing a lubricous gelatin, which he later consumed during the mastication process.

11. I recently voyaged to a region of Earth known as Florida.
- Is it simply Zoltrog, or is that region of the planet far more biologically aged than the surrounding hospitable environments?

12. My relationship ritual was imbalanced last solar cycle.
- Though I funded the consumption of our much needed nourishment, the female did not reward my contribution with mating.

I will be here for the remainder of this seven day Earth cycle. Eat heartily at this establishment's trough of assorted nourishments.

End communication.

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