January 2, 2009

Zoltrog Welcomes A New Earth Year

Your Earth is celebrating a New Year. One year closer to the impending, irreversible, inevitable, and irremediable doom!

As you revolve around your sun for approximately the 4 billionth time, I am reminded of the New Year's traditions on Kroglovia. There are many similarities to your revelry and saturnalia here on Earth.
  • Humans drop a decorative spherical ball in a Square of Times.
  • On Kroglovia, we drop the spherical eyeballs of conquered beings onto a square mastication table for times of feeding.
  • Humans exhale through "noise-makers" in a jubilant show of emotion.
  • Kroglovians make similar noise-making devices out of the prisoners acquired from so much conquering. They are alive to enjoy their very painful participation in our great Kroglovian New Year's festivities. Jubilant is perhaps not the best descriptor for their particular show of emotion. Existence-crushing and soul-tormenting are phrases used liberally by local Kroglovians.
  • Humans pick a resolution with which to open the new year, consisting of some act of renewed discipline, dedication and purpose.
  • Kroglovians choose a planet in a nearby system; a planet on the cusp of greatness or historic development; a planet that needs only a nudge in the correct direction to realize its destiny. We find this planet and we compassionately conquer it.

Your future conqueror has quite the hangover thanks to a bottle of Spumanti, a fine alcoholic beverage costing Zoltrog nearly 600 Earth pennies. Zoltrog attended the New Year's party of his AM/PM coworker/human Stacy Peterson. Zoltrog is attracted to human Stacy. Her uterus may provide adequate birthing shelter for my heir. And she will sit at my right hand to watch her planet crumble, mwahaha!

Anyway, Zoltrog hoped for a traditional Earth kiss from human Stacy at midnight, but instead she engaged in an oral dance with a human called Brad. He will be my personal slave when Earth's final fate comes to fruition.

Zoltrog will assign him a special task when Earth meets its doom and Zoltrog becomes supreme ruler. I will pass out task cards for all humans. You will fill them out yourselves because Zoltrog does not have time to hold your hand through the task card process. This will allow my bidding to be done in a more efficient manner.

Furthermore, Zoltrog stayed awake all night designing said task cards, so by the fifth testicle of Krytahn's twin, Earthlings will use them and like them!

Upon enslavement, the aforementioned human Stacy would receive this task card:

Upon enslavement, the aforementioned human Brad will receive the following task card:

Zoltrog wishes for all Earthlings to enjoy their Newest Year. Except for the human Brad. Zoltrog waits anxiously for the day when he may use Brad's carcass for some type of sport. Perhaps I will create a sport just for Brad. Perhaps we'll call it, "Slay the Human Brad." Mwahahaha!

End communication.


Mike Todd said...

I like what you've done with the place, Zoltrog, and the cog army is growing, too. Our numbers will soon be vast.

Chris said...

Mighty and Powerful Zoltrog,

Need a Henchman? In my High School Job Skills Aptitude Test, I was told that my best bet was to look for something in the field of Petty Larceny or Henchmen.

Larceny has not paid well. In fact, I now see why it's called Petty...

I'm thinking it's time to impress the folks. I can hear my mom bragging: "Why Chris now has a wonderful job... He's a Henchman for Zoltrog... Yes, THE Zoltrog! Of course, I'm doomed, but it will only be a harsh death and not a harsh, bitter one..."

Thanks for your consideration! I can also type 60wpm, good filing skills, Henchman 9000 compliant, MS Office expert.

Andy said...

Zoltrog is looking over your resume. Human Chris raises a good point. Don't think you're not doomed, you're still very totally doomed! However... Zoltrog will need a puny human to file away task cards, and take care of administrative tasks. Perhaps a lowly position can be opened up prior to imminent death.