March 24, 2013

Zoltrog Makes March Madness Better

The Earth sports tournament is under way, and Zoltrog watching the battle commence.  Zoltrog is disappointed with the lack of bloodshed and the lack of weaponry allowed.  Zoltrog asks, can there truly be madness without a minimal number of deaths?

These are young Earthling men, some in the prime of their physical prowess, thrust into an arena, and yet the obvious next stage is avoided by these puny human tournament organizers.

Why not allow these sportsmen to decapitate an opponent and wear his scalp on a sash made from previously conquered opponents?  Zoltrog is more confused than a Fraktonian hound given two potential mates on the day of its propagation marathon!

Here are other ways Zoltrog believes this tournament could be made more the spectacle all viewers wish it to become.  To say otherwise is to pull the Gloggoric wool over your eyes and deny the bloodlust that exists within every sentient being!
  • Allow balls to emit shrapnel at random moments during the match, mwahahaha!
  • Weapons must be required.  A lottery will decided what player received which weapon.  The weapons will included everything from the common Earth street knife to a Thorclot 8000 death ray---assuming you can carry the 3,000 lbs. payload up and down the court, mwahahaha!
  • If a combatant loses one hand, they are ejected from the match.  If they lose a second hand, the combatant is welcome back to the battle arena.  Make your choice ejected combatants, mwahahaha!
  • One randomly selected player will carry a deadly virus on his person.  Not even the player will know he has it.  Not until the vial is dislodged from its containment vessel due to the jostling of battle, and smashes to the ground, killing all combatants.  The team in the lead at this time will Earth quote Earth unquote "win," mwahahaha!
You can thank Zoltrog later, when Zoltrog is destroying your planet and you are regretting participating in this insignificant Earth tournament instead of preparing for Zoltrog's onslaught of doom, mwahahaha!

End communication.

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